Weird beliefs of the conservative mind

Weird beliefs of the conservative mind
Photo by Natilyn Photography / Unsplash

The magic happens approximately two minutes into this video that Pierre Poilievre tweeted earlier today and man, the fun we’ve been having deconstructing that.

It’s an aggressively anti-elitist screed, and I guess that’s to be expected because anti-elitism has served Poilievre very well so far. By which I mean he’d be an idiot not to exploit the people gullible enough to think he’s working for them.

He’s talking about how Justin Trudeau is personally in the business of controlling members of the green-screened audience (seriously; I was sure the party had raised enough money to produce better clips but what do I know, I’m just an expert) and in the process of slamming the gawdawful liberals Poilievre sings, rather poetically, the virtues of the (extra)ordinary Canadians like … oh, look. Just like the people in the audience.

Gosh darn it. What are the odds?

So far, so ho-hum. Here’s a politician politicking politically. Except, that is, for the magic, at the aforementioned two-minute mark. He first waxes eloquently about the heroic waitress and the wondrous farmer, then gets to …

… The electrician who captures lightning from the sky and runs it through a copper wire to illuminate this room and light up the world…
grayscale photo of city buildings under cloudy sky
Lightning. Please do not attempt to capture.

OK. So I, too, have seen and enjoyed Back to the Future. But — how to say this without sounding expertly patronizing — it’s not a documentary. Or a how-to manual.

To repeat, and to be absolutely perfectly clear: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to capture lightning. It’s a terrible, no-good idea. It will kill you, too. And not in a good way.

I’m always amazed by the people who manage impressive amounts of mileage on the gullibility of their followers. I mean, look at Donald Trump. He’s still the most popular — by far — on the conservative side of the electoral divide. And not to be unduly delicate or anything, but his followers are spectacularly stupid.

Pierre Poilievre is not a moron. He knows exactly what he’s doing with a slightly canuckianized version of the Trump recipe.

You saw it with the campiest, cheesiest video he put out after the September convention in Quebec City. His followers love that stuff. And you know why?

Because they have a habit of believing the weirdest shit. For instance that COVID vaccines will make you sick (or worse, track you), that climate change isn’t real or that victims of legitimate rape rarely get pregnant because their bodies prevent that very outcome somehow.

No, wait. That was an American politician. Like the Republican representative in Indiana who claimed tampons caused orgasms.

You think that’s funny because damn, those wacky Americans and also why didn’t I know I could be happier using tampons more regularly? But stupid people live — and vote — here, too.

One of my kids was told by a male acquaintance that sleeping near the window in a hotel room was something a woman naturally did to protect her uterus.

(I’m going to give you a minute to re-read that.)

Protect her uterus from what, the kid asked, because they have a brain that they enjoy using. Why, from some intruder barging through the locked hotel room door and… you know, doing things to her internal reproductive organs. Much safer to sleep in the bed that’s a solid six feet farther away from that door.

If you didn’t know women picked where they sleep based on the relative safety of their uterus, feel free to join the club of People Who Aren’t Conspicuous Dumbasses, also known as “experts.”

Or, as Poilievre Conservatives see them, the enemy.

white and pink plastic tube
Weapons of mass orgasms. Stay away, they’re mine.

I get that it must be frustrating to be made fun of for being a gullible rube. But the solution isn’t to believe that competent electricians are the ones able to capture lightning from the sky or that compact wads of cotton can put a glow on your face. It’s to stop believing crazy bullshit.

Thank you for listening to my expert talk.