March, may you rest in bloody tiny pieces you execrable excuse for a calendar marker you

March, may you rest in bloody tiny pieces you execrable excuse for a calendar marker you

Now that the month is finally over, I have things to say. What the fuck is March supposed to be about, huh? Beginning of spring my foot. 

If you had to write a marketing campaign for March, you couldn’t. Not that you’d want to. Sounds way too much like that Katy Perry song

‘Cause you’re hot then you’re cold / You’re yes then you’re no / You’re in then you’re out / You’re up then you’re down / You’re wrong when it’s right 

At least in the song, it ends with a kiss. March ends with… soggy April. Woohoo.

Anyway, as I was attempting to decide whether to bother shoveling the latest accumulation of slush or hail or whatever the crap it was that fell down on us along with suddenly indecent temperatures, I imagined the shit show that would be the creative team’s brainstorming session. 

— What are we calling this again? 

— March: The Month That’s Fun to Be In. 

— Haha. 

— I know. 

— I have a friend not even that far south of the Mason-Dixon Line who was just bitching about how he already needed to cut his grass. It was all I could do not to ghost him. 

— But seriously, how do you sell March in Ottawa? 

— Depends how much you’re paying me. 

— Client has a solid budget. Cares a lot. 

— April showers bring May flowers. March slush brings … April flood? 

— Groan. 

— Yeah, and it doesn’t rhyme either. 

— I know! It’s the season that lets you get *all* your coats and jackets out in the hallway at the same time! Because some days you need your puffy down coat, others you need the rain coat, the soft shell or just the sweater. Sometimes two or three of them in the same day. 

— To say nothing of the footwear.

— Right! Do you risk ruining your new running shoes or sweating so much in your boots that three kinds of fungus grow between your toes? 

— Guys. We’re trying to sell this month. Not kill people with disgust. 

— But seriously, no wonder we’re all broke. We need six different versions of everything just to survive a trip to the grocery store. 

— It’s the month of all months when school boards give everyone a week off to celebrate the lack of spring. 

— It’s like a conspiracy to make everyone miserable in 31 days. 

— We’re still not selling it. 

— Who is this client again? 

— They’d rather stay anonymous for now. 

— Can’t blame them. Seriously, what’s good about March? 

— Unlike February, it’s really long. 

— That’s not good. 

— It includes the weekend when we spring forward on the clocks. 

— Right, because people just loooooove daylight saving time. 

— It includes the first day of spring? 

— Only in the technical sense. 

— Still. 

— Potholes? 

— Shut up.

— I saw a guy running in shorts yesterday morning because it was finally warm enough to do that. 

— Yesterday morning the temperature was 3 degrees. 

— Exactly. 


— Maple syrup? 

— Yes! Everybody loves maple syrup! And we wouldn’t have it if we didn’t have those wild swings in temperatures. Brilliant! 

— Great, we’re spending how much to remind people that maple syrup doesn’t need any help getting loved? 

— Welcome to marketing.