You’re not smart, you just said it long
No, you do not need to show us all your words all at once.
The title is a direct quotation I’m stealing from one of my teenagers because they don’t want to be quoted in my stories. They used that comment as I was watching a video featuring, if that’s the word, Jordan Peterson.
Not to date myself unduly, but you could say the very same thing about any column or book by Conrad Black that ever got published. And I’ve read him a bunch since the 1990s. There are people who write long sentences featuring long words because they think it makes them sound learned and all it does, really, is put people to sleep.
Don’t be that person. It’s not something I recommend you do on purpose.
I was commenting to a dear friend (and fine writer himself) recently that one difference between French writing and English writing is that us French people enjoy taking the long way around. We circle pots and go around bends and take side streets and stop to poetize about the light or some shit — on our slow and meandering way to a point of some sort. It can work when we do it well. I have personally crafted some doozies — sentences that went on for an entire, very enjoyable and elegant paragraph.
In English, we don’t do that. English-speaking people are pragmatic. Practical, even. They have shortcuts for everything, including most people’s names. How many Michaels do you know who go by Michael and not Mike or Mikey?
Also? Unless you’re one of the Brontë sisters, you should avoid soft words adding up to long-ass sentences. That’s the easy part.
Yeah, OK, but how?
How do you write in ways that stick in the reader’s mind? That’s a lot harder. Fortunately, there are a few practical tips you can follow to drastically improve the snappiness of your prose.
Read yourself out loud
Edit until there’s nothing to remove
Avoid words that are more than two syllables
Use hard words instead of soft ones
Keep sentences short and avoid using semi-colons.
The first one is obvious. When you think you’re done drafting, stand up and read what you wrote as though you were the town crier. Oyez! Oyez! Enunciate clearly and speak loudly. How far did you get before you cringed? That’s where you start rewriting. Repeat as many times as necessary to get through the text without blushing. Then try it with someone you trust and if they only laugh at the parts that you legitimately meant as funny, you’re ready for the next step.
Editing is not about adding, it’s about removing. Every professional writer who writes about the craft of writing has a version of this advice. Stephen King has the best one. Kill your darlings, he says. When in doubt, remove. Until all that’s left is essential.
The third one is obvious. Yes, you may make exceptions where necessary. And as you get better, you can relax that rule as you see fit. But if you’ve been struggling to keep readers awake, keep the rule.
A hard word is one where the emphasis in on a hard syllable or letter. You punch a hole, poke your neighbour, destroy a cheese platter, clear a room. When you read your writing out loud, is there spittle? Good.
I love a semi-colon myself but I’ve been at this a long time and I am reasonably good at managing the other rules so I grant myself the right to use semi-colons. And long sentences too, sometimes. But if you’ve been struggling to gain readers, pay very close attention to each sentence and make them all as short as they can be. Without — this is important — going too far in the other direction to the point of ridiculousness. This is another one where reading out loud will be helpful. If your sentences feel unnecessarily short, relax a little. If you need to breathe more than once reading a sentence, shorten it.
Ready? Now go try it.