Getting Jiggy with the Night Commissioner

Getting Jiggy with the Night Commissioner

You know Ottawa has its ridiculous moments, but I never thought they’d go through with this … idea?

[Source, because even I can’t make this shit up.] 

It’s clear we no longer have any fucking clue what to do to revive the desiccated corpse that is downtown Ottawa. Frog-marching people to the office two days a week doesn’t work. Fuckers are brown-bagging it! And to add insult to injury, they don’t even stay for drinks after work! Apparently 2:45 pm is too early for beer and besides, they have laundry to finish at home. 

We tried renaming the core SoPa in a thoroughly coincidental attempt to have SoHo cool rub off on our betweeded elbows and also to appear clever by honouring the fact that Ottawa is the only capital in the world where north and south aren’t in the right place. A worthwhile effort to make our collection of pot-holed street with no destination worth going to seem appealing to people who, at this point, need a solid reason to get dressed again to go out once it’s dark. 

And of all things that failed.

I guess that means we need the big guns. 

Enter: The Nightlife Economy Action Plan.

Brilliant! An economy action plan is exactly what’s needed! Because obviously it includes planning about the economy of the night, and if that doesn’t tick all the boxes, we don’t know what buzzword to add. Besides, if you’ve ever met a night-time economist who’s keen on planning, you’ll know these fellows are wild. 

We’ll get all the stakeholders together and consult and gather feedback and man! This is so dope. 

So, so, hey. Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to include key recommendations that will foster nightlife activity of the sort we want without being too loud or, you know, unduly unregulated, and we’ll ensure — somehow, details tbd — the nature of the nightlife experience is authentic and, crucially, sufficiently safe that whoever is brave enough to experience an economically-sound, committee-planned night out in Fun! Ottawa! will have memories lasting a lifetime of the wonderfully rich, diverse and participatory activities they were mandated to enjoy. 


But before we get too excited, let’s make sure we follow the proper process and procedures. We wouldn’t want too spontaneous. Staff need to be involved. Committees, too. And nothing is to actually happen until Q4 2026, good grief. Who do you think we are, huh? 

Actually, this mission of the night is so important we need it to be guided, directed and appropriately dampened by the best committee there is, the Finance and Corporate Services Committee. These guys wrote the book on reasonably-priced group merriment. 

Exactly the kind of party we want. The sort we need in this town. Something that’s approved by the relevant authorities to promote nighttime fun that at the same time ensures the city’s brand-building messaging is on point. We don’t want the fucking comms people on our ass. They’re such a pain. 

Oh, and may we note that the name of “Nightlife Commissioner” is deliciously apt. It throws an almost borderline kinky spin on the whole Commissaire ethos that has come to define our capital city and suggests that while most of daytime Ottawa can be uninspired and bureaucratic, by night — pardon, at 6 pm — all these staid functionaries let loose and engage in viable, inclusive and well-managed nightlife activities. 

It is so wild as to defy imagination. 

This amazing plan is foolproof. It cannot fail. By the time we’re done studying the recommendations and having our lovely back-and-forth with staff about the feasibility of all this well-regulated fun, the town will already be dead. 

And we’ll have won.