The thing about help

When you're on a self-improvement journey (you are, right? it's kind of important), you keep hearing or reading people urging you to ask for help when you need it. I hate that. Asking for help. Was never good at it. In part because when I was much younger, asking for help meant a great dose of berating with not much actual help attached to it, so I learned to do without that sort of "help". But also, now that I no longer have so much toxicity in my emotional life, there's a thing about asking for help that I really don't like at all.

It reveals you as a vulnerable and most imperfect biped. And some of us (cough) have a great deal of trouble with the dreaded V word.

No, I don't like being or feeling vulnerable. It's unpleasant, insecure, awful. But - and I have to thank Brené Brown for this - it is very much necessary to get past where you are now and on towards the better person you really want to be. So I try.

And it's the darnedest thing because after so many years of avoiding asking for help like it was going to give me ulcers, I am very used to doing everything myself. Even with the best will in the world, I have a practical problem in that I find it difficult to identify something, anything, that I could need help with.

But I did! We have to arrange for our little boats to be pulled out of the water, winterized and put away for the season in the next few weeks. Now we do the work ourselves - we have a trailer that I expertly (well, almost) back onto the ramp and we drive the boat onto it and winch it up; yes, I do the winching - and we do that ourselves because asking the marina folks to do it would cost something like $125 a pop and since we're able to do it ourselves why not save that money for more important things. But this year one of our boats needs a fair bit of cleaning (those marine carpets, I tell you). And it needs the kind of cleaning that comes with one of those pressure washer gizmos. Which I don't have. Usually I wash it by hand - with eco-friendly biodegradable detergents and lots of elbow grease - and it works pretty well, but that boat is now five years old and my cleaning jobs don't do it anymore. So I've resigned myself and will ask the marina to do the cleaning of the carpet for me. With their power washers it will be a quick and easy job.

I realize this doesn't sound like a big deal at all. But to me it is. I've actually decided to ask someone else to help me with something.


And it feels fine. Of course, it's not a consequential matter, emotionally speaking, but in a way it is. I consider this cleaning job a tiny but good step in the right direction.

"I used to be a human being"

An evening in beautiful Morrisburg