It's funny sometimes to hear people comment that I don't do lazy. It's true, up to a point. I don't like laziness, and the darker side of me despises weakness (my own, especially). That's why I get along well with my Spartan coach. (Good morning, MJ!)
This morning I don't wanna. This morning I'm tired. This morning I'm sore. This morning I'm hormonal (that Chinese Olympic swimmer was very cute when she mentioned her menstrual cramps; she has no clue how much harder things get when you reach your 40s [swear word followed by many other swear words and do I wish I still drank right now you bet]).
And this morning I also have a solid 2.5 hours of what promises to be very hard training. Woohoo.
This is the precise moment where I wish I did laziness. Where I wish I didn't push as hard. It's where I wish I knew how to take breaks. And yes, part of me just wants to find a dark corner to crawl into and hide.
No, I won't do that. But man, that temptation...
I console myself with the thought that everyone who ever achieves anything worth doing goes through something like this. Heck, I've gone through that myself more than once. For instance, when I delivered those babies. But this is different. There's no baby. I don't *have* to push. I mean, I promised a book and a documentary and whatnot, but it's not the same as being dilated all the way to 10 with a 9.5-lbs iron beach ball stuck exactly where it doesn't belong. I *could*, if I wanted to, go back. I'm just making myself do the training and the competing. There's no biological or other urgent imperative. Nobody is forcing me to.
Nobody except me. I'm forcing myself to do it. Because deep down I know I couldn't live with myself if I just gave up. So I won't. But I can't lie: I'm going to find this very hard today, having to stare down may own ugly demons and keep pushing.
And tomorrow? Tomorrow I do it all again. Because wanna or don't wanna, I will do it. If you have a few positive thoughts lying around doing not much, would you mind sending them my way please? I could use them. Thanks!