It's weird how it happens sometimes. You feel great and train hard and things are improving and you feel like, yeah, that's me right there, fighting like I belong in a ring. And then for no reason at all, suddenly you feel like a giant fraud. You have no business being there. You're an imposter. You don't belong. You might as well give up and take up crochet because maybe there at least you wouldn't suck so bad.
Usually this happens to me right before a tournament. In fact, trying now to look back since I started competing in January, I believe it's happened every single time.
Sigh. I would give a lot of money right now to understand how it happens or why. Because it makes no sense. I do enjoy the training, the pushing past my limits, the fighting. I like the progress I'm making every week. I like competition once it starts. It's in the day or two before a competition that I get weak kneed and yellow bellied. And sure enough, I have a tournament on Saturday - first one since the Nationals in May - and yeah, I am powerfully tempted to hide at my lake all weekend...
I won't, of course. I'll get in there and enter the ring intending to dominate it and win. I may not win. I may lose. But I'll get in there intending to win. Because that's the only thing to do when the chickens grab hold of you: To carry on with the plan, no matter what. To trust that when you made that plan you knew what you were doing. And most importantly: you have to trust that your training will carry you through.
Because like the title of my new project (help me produce it!) says, it's not just for kicks. This is for real.