It was my birthday recently. I turned 46, and I'm a bit sad. I did enjoy 45; it was a good year, and for some reason 46 scares me a bit. Feels older somehow. More tired. And sure enough, I've had a heck of a time this past week - feeling tired, weak, sickly, relatively uninspired.... feeling old... Oh, I know. There are good reasons for that. One: I've been fighting this stupid little bug that's been going around. I've mostly won, but my victory came at the cost of fatigue. It's also November and November is a month during which I typically have an overwhelming desire to just go hide somewhere and hibernate. And of course now that Worlds is behind us, there's a bit of let-down. The adrenaline is back to less crazy levels and that, too, comes with a certain sense of fatigue and exhaustion. So yeah. Maybe it's not turning 46 that's making me feel old. Maybe it's the last few weeks. And who knows, my sore back and shoulders could be fixed with a new pillow (ah yes, your 40s is the decade when pillows start to matter, the joy of it all I tell you).

I shall go shopping for a new one. Because that's a potentially easy fix. Another thing I'm now determined to do, as a birthday gift to me, is lose a few pounds. I don't have a weight problem; I'm 5'6(ish) and 130lbs, which is exactly where I was in my early 30s, before having kids. I fit into my pre-motherhood clothes no problem. But I'm looking at menopause (that b*tch is uncomfortably close) and the weight gain that typically comes with it, and I don't want it. I also want to be leaner than I've been since I got married. Not by a huge amount; somewhere between 5 and 10 lbs should do the trick. But I really want it off. I'm done making babies, I don't need - and certainly don't want - the extra cushion fertility seems to require. But age now makes a difference. Because I've been trying to lose that 5-10 lbs for a few months now and it's not easy. I really don't eat very much, I eat freakishly clean, I sleep enough (most nights), I exercise plenty, I don't do drugs, I only drink a little bit - I'm doing everything right and yet, and yet.

My one big weakness is carbs. Love em. But now I'm down to getting drastic with myself about that. I'm naturally drawn to carbs. There is no better treat in my book than a chunk of fresh organic baguette with a huge mass of organic butter on it. I could live on nothing but that. Except of course my body doesn't want to process it as well as it used to, gosh darn it. Which means I reluctantly have to give up grains and carbs generally - except maybe for a treat on cheat days. Fortunately I like fats and proteins, so meat, eggs and cheese it is, along with plenty of greefy leans. (Of course it's a word; I made it up myself.)

Will try that for a week or two and see what that takes me. Wish me luck.