My retirement

Last week I made a decision: I am going to retire from work.

Yes, I'll continue to write, and do my karate. Along with most of the things I keep myself busy with. But I won't work for the sake of money alone, and I won't see what I write for joy and fulfillment as work anymore. I'll see it as something I get to do, not something I have to do.

Why? Because all my life I've been consumed with the need to work all the time. I have struggled for decades with a massive case of Impostor Syndrome. I never felt good enough unless I crushed all other records. That's why I did my law degree in two and half years while working full time in a pub (and got a burnout), or why I worked two full-time jobs (one during the day, one overnight... and got a burnout) or why I had my own business at 18, or why I homeschooled three kids while working full time as a writer and filmmaker... and why I'm so crazy tired all the time.

No more.

My kids are now in school - Eldest was the first to ask to go, and the other two soon followed. I find myself with a lot more time than I'm used to. And enjoying it, too.

I've used the time productively... by taking a big effing breath and realizing that nobody ever expected me to crush all records. That the only person who didn't think I was good enough unless I was outperforming everyone on six fronts at a time was me. That thinking I wasn't good enough has not brought me inner peace or happiness. That maybe it's time to try something else.

Retirement. From thinking I have to workworkwork all the time, and from worrying that other people will think I'm a slacker unless I'm constantly buzzing with to-do lists this long and bags this deep under my eyes.

I am good enough. (Repeat.)

I am good enough. (Repeat.)

As often as necessary. I get the opportunity to make my writing and everything else I do be the best it can be. Because that's who I am.

I don't plan to sit on my butt and make no effort at anything. Far from it. The things I have to write need to be written properly. That takes effort. My karate training requires a fair bit of sweat, too. That's OK - making efforts to improve and be the best I can be is a perfectly good use of my time on this planet. I want to be the best I can be. I want to stop feeling like the best I can be will never be good enough, that's all.

What's the point of editors?

Egad, Skank TV is back!